Out of all the things I’ve been through, how does it all come back to you?
I’ve had my share of pain and hurt. So now I have no heart.
I’ve grown desperate and cold. And I’m done with your shit its so fucking old.
Is still the best time I’ve ever had in my life. I will never forget it.
wish I could come down with a terminal illness, or just something life changing so the people that really care about me would surface.
can’t find it within myself to give it to anyone.
He’s the only one that seems to give a shit when I’m upset, and actually listens to me when I need to vent and doesn’t make it about himself. He’s protective and always looking out for me. He’s the only reason why I’ve been keeping my head up because he’s there to tell me everyday that it’s going to be okay. I just wish he was here when I need a hug, but he’s doing what’s best for himself, and that makes me so proud.
Let me tell you about the person I was before that day. Before that day, for the most part I was a happy teenage girl. I had the three best friends I could ever ask for. Me and Ashley would spend everyday together, and she was that kind of person you KNEW was going to always be apart of your life. She knew everything about me, vise versa. That was the closest friend I ever had, she was my sister. I went out and had fun with my best friend Taylor, we did crazy things, and never planned any of them. I used to smile every. single. day. And besides my obvious family, mommy and daddy issues that I’ve always had, my life was pretty great. I never got caught up in drugs, I loved school, and I had a plan for my future. I was happy, and that’s the last time I remember what happy was.
So now let me tell you what happened on July 5th, 2009. I remember every detail so perfectly. I went to a local show with Ashley. Just had got my license, so we were every where all the time. I’m out on the curb talking to my friend George’s cousin Dallas, and he’s young so I’m just being silly with him. All of a sudden a group of guys walk behind us and I have no idea who they are, but one catches my eye. I go on and on and on to Dallas about how cute he is and he keeps telling me to go talk to him, I decide against it and go inside to get Ashley.
I get here and ask if she’s ready to go, so as we’re walking outside I tell her to check out the guy with the lime green plugs, and she briefly looks and says a “yeah he’s cute” even though I knew she didn’t look that hard. Then she does a double take, and he’s looking at her this time and all of a sudden she goes “KYEEEELLLLEEE” and he comes over and they hug. And this kid who I’m going gaga eyes over is just talking about this girl he’s talking to that goes to my school. (should have been a sign right) blah blah blah we leave go back to my house and start drinking. We get drunk and decide to call someone to come over. I tell her to call Kyele, because like I said I was in “awe” when I saw him. It was Kyeles 18th birthday but they agreed to come over. Kyele, Matt, and Nate. We’re just in my room listening to music. Ashley on the floor, Nate on my computer, me Kyele and Matt at the end of my bed. I decide to be forward and put my hand on Kyeles leg, why not right? Ashley keeps moving it because she claims “she liked him” I didn’t care I kept putting my hand back on his leg. I bust out my camera and start taking picture with Kyele, and after about 3 hours they leave and Kyele snuck me his phone number. And after that night, we started talking.
It would take me hours and hours to accurately tell all the things that happened between then and now. So here’s the run down. I fell in love, like madly, deeply, truly in love with Kyele Shanahan. He broke my heart and hurt me, I always took him back. I hurt him, he took me back. I let him control my life, who I hung out with, what I did, and control my emotions. In all that I lost my best friend, Ashley. I almost didn’t graduate because I couldn’t pick myself up out of bed to get to school, crying all day was more appealing. And I gave up my plan to go to college. I lost my happiness, and I lost myself. I was so depressed that I tried to commit suicide, just because I felt being dead was better than feeling like this constantly. All because I was so in love that I wanted to do everything right in his eyes to make him happy. But a part of me was always okay, because I knew that I had him. He’s all I ever wanted, and more so needed. It had to of been fate right? Because from the moment I saw him, I just knew that it was just going to be him. I thought just because our love isn’t simple, doesn’t mean its wrong and not worth it.
So we continued this on and off process until July 19th, 2012. We were living together and he kicked me out. So I left, and came to see my friend Autumne in Lynchburg. I decide to live here, decided it was time to put time and distance between me and Kyele. It was time to let go. Before this the longest we had gone without talking was 3 weeks, in almost four years, a measly 3 weeks. Well this time it was 7 months. And in that time, I gained wonderful friends, people who loved me for me, and who made me feel whole again. I started dating a wonderful guy, a guy that deserves only the very best because he was a true gentleman, I started to feel happy. Of course I always missed Kyele, that never went away, but it wasn’t a “I want to be with him, I miss you” until he put out his new album on Valentines Day and there was a song on there called “My Love Song” I listened, and it was about me. He wanted me back, and that’s how he was trying to get through, well.. that’s how he always tried to get through to me through his songs about me. Hearing it opened a whole new wound in my heart and in my head.
I started to act distant twords everyone, I became a recluse. I had to break up with my boyfriend, the better guy, because I wasn’t the girlfriend I was supposed to be for him anymore. Because I knew my feelings for Kyele hadn’t changed even with all that time apart. So you know what else I did? I texted Kyele, in the middle of the night, out of no where and poured my heart to him. After 7 months, no contact. I never told any of my friends, because I knew what they’d all say. But me and Kyele were okay again, just trying to be friends and catching up, and things felt right. So then one weekend when I was home, I saw him. I can’t explain how I felt, because it was all over the place. It wasn’t the same though. He left his girlfriend, and I didn’t get back together with Tyler because I can’t just be friends with Kyele. Anyway, Kyele started acting distant and one night tried to say I was lying about Tyler being over at the house. But I assured him me and Tyler were friends, and we hang out, and I wasn’t going to stop doing that because he is my best friend. So after that, Kyele backed out and left and two days later got back together with his girlfriend. So here I am again.. same old thing, left with nothing but heart break, crying everyday, and not letting myself be with the better guy. And I know Tyler knows that I still loved Kyele, and he’s still here by my side, trying to support me and pick me up.
So guys, you know what I did tonight, I texted Kyele again, we haven’t talked in like two weeks. But I told him this “This is out of no where again. But I have to tell you something, I have to tell you because this finally has to click somewhere inside my head/heart, and settle for good. I don’t want you to reply, just read and let it soak in. You’re happy, and I know that. And I’m happy for you, I really am. But I’m not happy. I’m not happy because I keep holding on to you, and this crazy miracle that one day we will be okay. So I need to tell you that I’m finally letting you go. I can’t deal with the constant heartache and the weeping over you every single day, it’s so exhausting and I do not want to be that person. So this is my last contact with you. There is no more Kyele and Shawna ever again. No more future, and please no more songs that gave me this glimmer of hope. I don’t care if that has already settled inside you and you knew it, but I didn’t until now. I’m letting you go finally because I deserve to let the good guy, the better guy, have a fighting chance for my heart. I deserve to be in love again, because I know that when I love, I love with every thing in me, and I want to give that to someone who will appreciate it. I will never not love you, but I’ve grown more in love with the memories that you gave me, than the person you are now. And that’s how I know it’s really over. So no more it’s been 3 months, 6months, or a year since we’ve talked maybe its time to “catch up”. There is just you, me, and our past that will be a faded memory one day. Because we’re going to make better, loving memories with new people, and it’s going to work out with them. Ill never forget you Kyele, you’re always in my heart, this is just the last time ill be telling you that. I can get on with my life now, be happy, and I had to do this for me. So I hope you understand and thank you for everything.” I’ve never said anything like that to him…ever. But I feel good, this weight on me is gone. I hope I meant it, and I’m going to stick to what I said, I’m going to work at this everyday to be happy again.
I don’t know why I made this post really. To justify why I’m feeling so sad these past few months and I guess so everyone knows what crazy things love can make you go through, and although someone is absent from your life for a long time doesn’t mean they leave your heart or mind. A toxic relationship isn’t a good one. Where there are secrets, lies, and days spent crying. Everyone deserves someone who will love and cherish them. Your first love isn’t necessarily your last love. Im moving on, and letting go. I know its not going to happen instantly, and I will still have my days, but I’m going to work on it and deal the best way I can possible. So if you read all of this I applaud you, and thanks for listening. And if any of my friends see this, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to leave it all behind.
I wish people from my past would just stay there instead of resurfacing all the time.
I can’t deal with my depression. I just want to put the past behind me and be happy. Almost four years now and I feel as though I haven’t made any progress.
I’m so tired. Everyday it’s the same thoughts running through my mind, hoping for an accident, or just anything to make this go away.
And I know that’s not the bright way of looking at things, but I have this permanent rain cloud over my head and it’s making all my days dark.
I’m sick of holding on to words and songs that obviously doesn’t mean anything anymore. I want to move on and I can’t. I want my heart to be healed. But I gave everything I have to someone who didn’t give two shits about throwing back in my face.
Its been too long, something has got to give.
My heart is constantly breaking, and I just want it to stop for once.
Puts me in my feelings.
and the way I feel hasn’t changed.
Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.